So, in my previous blog life, I was Sombra|Sol. In that life, I explored the cosmic and philosophical but became overwhelmed and experienced enlightenment too soon, which is not at all pleasant, I must say. I had to “kill” that blog, in order to regain control over my real life, which had spiraled out of control, due to the flood of ideas coming to me (only a fraction of which made it onto the blog). Fortunately, getting back to living my real life has allowed me to understand enlightenment better and, more importantly, to understand myself better.
In this blog life, I am Blind Willow Sleeping. The reference is to the collection of short stories by Haruki Murakami, one of my favorite authors (I just got 1Q84 and am looking forward to taking my time with it). The last word in the book title is left off deliberately.
This blog will reflect my exploration of my own gender identity and what changes I find helpful in allowing me to be more comfortable “in my own skin,” as it were. You see, for some time now, I have felt that I was not really a man. Physically, of course, I am male. Mentally, though, I feel more feminine than masculine, though not very. Tomboys seem to express the kind of gender identity with which I would be most comfortable. A passive, receptive “girly girl” (no offense) seems like a terribly boring way to experience femininity. However, all you “girly girls” out there should absolutely feel free to pamper yourselves and get mani-pedis and mud baths and “shop ’til you drop” and wait for Prince Charming to come along and sweep you off your feet. If that’s what brings you happiness, go for it. I prefer to experience the Warrior Woman style of femininity myself.
Anyway, the last few days have been quite difficult. What was once just an abstract idea in the back of my head (I am not a man) suddenly seemed to overcome my entire physical being. Not all of it was bad. I experienced something like divine ecstasy while contemplating being filled by the light of love. That only seemed to make sense in a feminine mode.
Yesterday the loathing for the male physiology set in and in full force. That was unpleasant and depressing, the feeling of being trapped in a body, of having body parts that just don’t feel right. Then a walk this afternoon on the beach in which I suddenly saw myself as a woman with long red hair (either from reading Anne of Green Gables growing up or watching Florence + the Machine videos recently).
So, what is a man who does not feel like a man to do?
I don’t know. That’s what this blog will be for, to help me figure that out. Part of me, though, has been asking the following question:
What could a woman do with a man’s body?
Or put it into a modern mythic context:
What if Lois Lane IS Superman?
Maybe there can be Real Power in uniting a male body with a female brain. Maybe there can be Real Love too. That is to ask: what is lesbian love like if one of the lesbians happens to possess a male body?
For now, the only changes I’ve made are to take warm baths (in which I feel the male physiology slip away) and to start smelling nicer, specifically in my case like apricots. 🙂
Oh, and the title of this blog post refers to both the tree under which Siddhārtha Gautama experienced enlightenment and to the fact that trees are both male and female.